frozenprincess1

What the hell happened to Elsa and Anna?

I haven’t yet seen the movie Frozen, but from what I understand it has a Disney princess named Elsa and she has a snowman friend, and possibly a sister of some kind.  And she has the ability to freeze things, I’m guessing tied to something happening to her in the past.

I don’t know, really, but I would like to see it at some point.  I know it’s a hit with little girls, since this past Halloween, you couldn’t throw a rock down the street without hitting a tiny Elsa out begging for candy (and again, I apologize for that incident).

So, it’s with this lack of knowledge that I was inspired to try out two “games for girls” I found: Frozen Anna Brain Surgery and Elsa Nails Heal Spa, both of which are available on Mafa.com.

More pink, dammit
More pink, dammit

A word of aside: the Mafa.com site is strange to me in general.  It’s generic enough that somehow it screams “hey, this will give you a virus”, but I don’t think there’s really a danger of that.   Additionally, there isn’t much information about the purpose of the site other than an overwhelming amount of pink and a wide range of games that I guess appeal to little girls (which, for the record, I am not).

There are a huge number of games on there, like Christmas Dress-up, Party Dressup, and just generally a lot of pink, parties, dressups, costumes, etc.   And all of these I kind of expected, since that’s the stereotype of what girls like to play.

However, the oddest thing to me is the wide range of injury and hospital-themed games, mainly where there’s a princess or a pet or a pretty girl or even Justin Bieber who needs some kind of radical medical attention.   I’m pretty out of touch with the 8-10 year old little girl audience, I guess, but are all little girls super-interested in doing major surgeries on people?

Awaiting the scalpel
Awaiting the scalpel

Frozen Anna Brain Surgery is the first game I tried.  I know enough about Frozen that I think Anna is the sister in the movie, but I have no connection as to why she has come in to my office to get brain surgery.   Is there some kind of tumor/cancer sub-plot in Frozen?  I have no idea.   So, Anna sits in a nice Victorian chair, staring with a blissful smile, waiting for my medical interactions.

First, you put her in an MRI/CATscan machine, which I’m pretty sure is anachronistic, but then again she’s a princess so only the best, I guess.  The machine immediately identifies what I can only describe as multi-colored magical tumors glowing inside of Anna’s skull.   Anna has candy cancer and we must operate immediately.

These happy thoughts in your head must be immediately removed, Anna
These happy thoughts in your head must be immediately removed, Anna

Next up, we hook up an EKG machine to measure heartrate and other medical functions, then my favorite part: we turn on the gas.  A mouth attachment hooked to an anaesthetic machine is turned on and Anna slowly blinks into sleepiness as the soothing gas knocks her out.   Am I qualified to be a surgeon?  Her doe eyes blink at me in trust before closing into unconsciousness.

Shhh, let the gas do its work
Shhh, let the gas do its work

Now it’s the real business.  We shave Anna’s head in a three step process, trace out the suture lines with a marker on her freshly shaved skull, then pull out the cute rounded emerald colored knife.  We’re going in.  After slicing into Anna’s skull, we are immediately confronted with the tumors, which turn out to be pictures of things: her sister Elsa, a snowman who I think is a character in the movie, some roses and hearts, and lastly a crown.

You didn't need these memories, right?
You didn’t need these memories, right?

Using a knife that looks like it should be for cutting cuticles or something, it’s now our job to excise these thoughts from Anna’s mind.  With quick professionalism, we cut those out, wipe away the glittery blood, and magically heal her skull with a wand.   No more sister!  No more snowman friend!

At the end, Anna sits in her chair once more, blankly staring with a soporific smile and says “Thank you doctor!”  I feel like I have committed some kind of crime.


 

elsanails1

The second game Elsa Nails Heal Spa takes a different tack.  Aside from the vaguely ungrammatical title, this is a spa specifically aimed at healing Elsa’s hand.  And goddamn it is horrifying.

Being a princess is hard work
Being a princess is hard work

I don’t know if it’s clear from the picture, but there are scratches, undefined blobs of “something” on the outside of her hand, warts, germs, nails, smears of disgusting things and plain old gashes.   Wtf, Elsa.

Again, I really want to see the movie now, but I’m pretty sure Elsa doesn’t have a scene where she jams her hand into a barrel of nails, swishes it around in sewage and then somehow gets warts.

This is also a vaguely medical situation, in that I extract nails and sew up some major cuts in Princess Elsa’s hand.  Elsa either was involved in a major hardware store accident, or is secretly a member of an underground street fighting club.  As a licensed doctor (I presume), I fix her hand up, and then as a special bonus, I cap it off with by giving her a manicure and fingernail treatment on the house

Anyway, I am very tempted to write the whole site off as a very elaborate satire site, but I can’t quite do it.  There are too many seemingly legitimate games, and for many of the ones that seem suspect, they are produced by different developers.  And they seem to not quite measure up to satirical standards, as they take themselves quite seriously.  For example, the Justin Bieber Ear Infection game, where you clean out Justin’s ears from infection and bloody gashes.

What. The. Hell.

I am completely confused by these games even as I am supremely fascinated.  What’s the message with giving Anna a lobotomy of her favorite things?  Why is Elsa’s hand spiked with nails?   Are actual little girls playing these, and if so, are all little girls really into medical procedures?

Is this some kind of subversive attempt to change the way “games for girls” are viewed?  Is a clever game studio trying to introduce medical ambitions into little girls?

I’m also entranced by the very specific steps in these games.   You don’t just skip to the brain tumors, you have to shave Elsa’s head, check her heart, sterilize the scalp, mark out the incision points, etc.   For the horrifying hand, you have to wash, then pull nails, then scrub warts, then sew up the cuts, then clean the wounds, etc.  It’s all very methodical in a way that I didn’t expect.

In any case, there is no shortage of medical issues happening to Elsa, Anna and a whole bunch of unnamed women in the games on this site, as well as more general-type games, so I recommend giving it a look.   If you find Elsa Frozen Shock Treatment therapy game, please let me know.

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